To My One and Only…
you ask me how i’m doing… hmm, lemme see…
i think i’m sordidly missing you, though i refuse to give in to the feeling. i’ve kept myself frantically busy, going on and on everyday till i drop out of sheer exhaustion every other night, more dead than asleep i think.
then soon i’d wake up, body always longing for real sleep but mind refusing. it’s nice when occasionally, when i wake up, i’d forget that you’re not beside me. when that happens, for a split second, i’d feel joy — another glorious day!
but the feeling slips away before i even inhale it, like a faint whisper of a titillating scent, gone before you even know what it is. in the moment when the split second completes itself, i’ve forgotten the joy, and fatigue sets in again like a foul smell that won’t leave my nostrils no matter how much i rub or blow my nose.
coffee… i drink more coffee now. i haven’t learned how to make it the way you do, and i keep trying. smoking… at any point of my life, i knew i can quit if i wanted to. but not now. the things that matter, that i really want to do, are in open-ended suspension. let them hang there. they just have to wait till you return.
i hate not being busy, like this very moment. i feel so incomplete. i think that’s why i’ve made so many avatars these past few days. I’d like to break apart every part of me and make each part whole. i close my eyes and imagine. it usually works — enough for me to get bored with playing and go back to work with renewed resolve not to ever give in to that scary feeling of missing you.
sometimes, i wish it were really possible, to break down every part of me and let all of me live different lives in this one lifetime so that this one lifetime becomes eternity.
but, then… and yet, even if i do, every part of me will be incomplete. for there you are — my soulmate and twin flame, so physically far away, on the other side of the world.
and so, okay, i’d give in to the feeling but only for a second…
just long enough to remember your smile, your voice, the look in your eyes when you look at me, your touch — how much these validate me… just long enough to listen to my heart listening for yours and saying…
sweetheart, my beloved… i’ve missed you in all the lifetimes i lived without you, and will love you and only you with all of my beings, in all my lifetimes, including those that i have yet to live. when you’re beside me again, then all of me will be complete again. meanwhile…
the second of truth painfully burns like a candle on both ends, and frizzles out, leaving a tsunami of tears in the breakwaters between my heart and throat. just in time, i caught myself. i almost missed you dangerously more than i could handle. but, worry not, i will not give in.
time stood still for a while, but it moves again now. let me make another avatar.
