gYPSy Glimpses: 5 Women in Pain; A Woman At Daybreak
“If you love someone, set him free
If he comes back, then he’s yours
If he doesn’t come back,
He never was yours.”
But, what if he comes back then leaves you again?
First, there is joy… He really loves you. He tells you that you’re the only one he has
loved all the years that you were apart. He is yours. His disappearance
was an ironic twist of fate, beyond his control. But, you can finally cast aside all the pain
that brought because what counts is that he is back, loving you like before. You hug yourself – oh, you lovable you!
Up to the time you last
talked, he told you the same thing, that he truly loved you. All the love,
faith and trust you felt for him quickly re-surfaced. You were surprised at how powerful they were
still – when you thought you had successfully killed them some time ago. He loved you, and your heart sang.
But, that was almost a week
ago since you last talked. Your heart
tells you that he has left again. You’ve
lost him. He was yours and now no more.
You lose yourself, too.
There you are, watching your
body going through the day’s routines. There you are, your heart and soul hovering around your body, feeling
like some dirty, worthless rag thrown about, not just once, but once again.
There you are, wondering if
you really are just getting what you deserve, after all. What is it about you that makes him treat you
as he would an object of no value? You
turn yourself inside-out, upside-down, wanting to tear out that part of you
that drove him away, not just once but twice. If you could only put your finger into it, oh how you’ll smash it into
powdered bits.
Maybe, this time, you really
should find whatever it is and destroy it. Maybe he could have really
loved you… Maybe someday, someone really would.
If only you could find and annihilate that part of you that drives love
away.
*********
Finally, she’s learned what
she should have learned a long time ago.
When she was raped.
When her family turned
against her.
When love first eluded her.
Finally, she can cast aside
illusions about who she is.
No more protective,
defensive mechanisms.
No more self-image that
keeps crumbling.
No more agonizing about what
she could do…
Should do… Must do… to
finally belong and be loved.
Her soul has finally learned
this lifetime’s lesson.
Her heart has finally accepted
that she can’t win.
Here, she now stands face to
face with the reality…
Of what she is… and nothing
more…
Love is but a dream…
Only nightmares cross over
to reality.
She just can’t belong…
Not then. Not now. Not ever.
Not here.
She is a spirit passing by.
And those she meets see only
the part of her
That the rest of her tried
to heal, save, make whole, enrich…
But, which really remains
just as it was in the beginning…
Worthless!
Let it live.
Let it loose.
Let it laugh at the face of
those who play with it…
Let it speak the truth:
“You can’t hurt me anymore –
I’m beyond pain.”
*********
Who knows why we love someone,
instead of someone else? Why we love
some people with the full force of our being?
Why trusting some people is
a breeze? While it’s usually like going
through hurricanes and tidal waves to break down our own self-imposed walls and
barriers to let some other people reach us.
Why is it that a sane,
normal, strong person who usually could hurdle major problems that most people can’t
even imagine tackling, breaks down and whimpers like a baby faced with a
difficulty that most people would consider minor, could quickly address and
just forget about?
Why is it that pain seems to
be immortal? Just when we thought we’ve overcome
it, thrown it out, buried it, killed it, we find out that it has
reincarnated? And, it is worse in its
new form, unfamiliar and stronger.
*********
She wants to sleep but
can’t, afraid to lose control over herself. Her body is exhausted, her heart palpitates and aches. Images and voices attack her senses, getting
all confusingly mixed up. No matter how
many blankets she cover herself with, she feels the coldness in her spine, now
like iced steel.
She’s running on empty,
driven only with her will power to gain control over her falling being. How can she let sleep take hold of her? When she allows her consciousness to rest,
and her subconscious takes over, will she ever be in control again of the
monster within her?
*********
She pours her pain into her
writing, hoping that emptying it out like that would heal her. For how? How could one conquer an enemy so huge yet intangible, invisible yet so
pervasive? Maybe after she’s written everything, she could delete it… and then
the pain would be gone, too.
*********
She opens her eyes, all at
once awake. Yet, her whole body continues to lie still as she stares at the
ceiling without blinking.
The wind blows the curtain
open and the sun hops into her room, coming to a dead halt at the foot of her
bed, apparently wondering if he would venture any further.
She blinks, letting out a
sigh as she transfers her gaze from the ceiling to the sunlight at the foot of
her bed. She stretches and twists a bit
to capture a ray of sun with her toe.
The sun takes that as a sign
that he was welcome, after all, and enters in a roar, flooding the entire room
with its rays, hoping to impress her with his majesty.
She takes a quick, surprised
glance at the bright room, and tosses off her clothes as she jerks out of her
bed. She sighs again, this time with a
hint of irritation, as she marches chin up to the bathroom.
The sun, bows his head,
wondering how he has displeased her, and his light dims just as she closes her
bathroom door.
